"what Car Should I Buy?"

[AJA_GTi 0]

Barry Boys 101: Getting Help On Buying A Car

 

The Barry Boys community is full of car buffs who know a s*it load about everything.

 

As these people adore spreading this knowledge far and wide, one of the many popular threads you will find whilst browsing the forums is titled "What Car Should I Buy?"

 

This is where you can ask questions regarding a choice of car you have in mind. You can receive advice, random information, taunts and jeers, as well as being completely overlooked if there's any sort of controversy at all going on.

 

Car buffs love this thread as they get to constantly jump in and deliver truckloads of information to you about a model of car you're not really interested in, just so you can say "Wow, that's impressive knowledge!" and their willy can grow a few cms.

 

So, let's imagine you've had fun browsing the forums, and you've decided that it's time to change the family car.

 

You should go to the Non Barry Related section of Barry Boys. This is where everyone is generally offensive, arrogant and rude, only without any barried cars in sight.

 

Look at the stickified threads at the top of the forum. You are looking for the "What Car Should I Buy?" thread. To you, it may look something like this:

 

 

Click on the thread, overlook any conversation that is currently going on that may help you out, and make your post. Let's say it looks like this:

 

 

Click submit, and wait.

 

The first person to reply will be the German fanboy. They simply love German cars, and can not say, and will not hear, a bad word said against them, for WHATEVER reason. They cannot fathom being interested in a car that isn't made somewhere in Germany, and hence will give you predictable, and confusing, suggestions.

 

 

Unfortunately, German fanboy usually has one or two mates waiting to pounce and add even more confusion to the mix.

 

 

After this, you will find yourself being given totally off-the-wall suggestions that don't match your criteria or make no sense at all. You will not value anything these users say. An example of such a suggestion could look like this:

 

 

You may get a few replies from fanboys who idolise a certain make and model only:

 

 

Three pages will then pass as every single member converges on that thread to rip the fanboy to pieces and dispose him somewhere outside the forum.

 

Finally, the admin will arrive, threaten lockage, and proceed to over rule all previous suggestions...

 

This whole episode will leave you feeling unaided and lost.

 

You may decide to try and find a way to confuse the great car buffs that dwell in that thread. If you think it can be done, you are niave.

 

Say, for example, you decide to be cocky, and construct a question thusly:

 

There will always be one fanboy or loopy member who has a reply for it...

 

If you do end up following the suggestions made by members in that thread, and you think you've made a sound choice, then good for you!

 

It took bravery and guts to do that.

 

You probably don't need to be taking advice from this thread.

 

Those who still need help; well now you know how!

 

Happy car shopping!

[Daviewonder 533 3 Cars]

Makes me smile as when you type "205" in your post on barryboys it automatically gets changed to "overrated french piece of toss"

[AJA_GTi 0]

Another stolen post, sort of 205 based...

 

vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

 

What Your Car Says About You

 

Here on BarryBoys we are firm believers of equality and diversity.

 

Until, that is, you post a photo of what you drive. When you do this, assumptions are made. Big, weighty assumptions, that waddle around

guffawing like the fat-controller on Noz.

 

By showing people what you drive, you unwittingly shelve yourself, like some sentinent mechanical book.

 

Of course, there are many members of the forum who own certain cars and are completely reasonable people. They like their car, they know it's short-comings (i.e. it's brown), and they don't care.

 

But stereotypes would not exist if virtually all of them were not true in some way.

 

So, before you venture off to Members' Cars and eagerly create your thread, prepare yourself for the backlash by reading this post. It's not like you have a life now, is it?

 

If you own a...Mazda MX5

You are an alpha male. The alpha male. No, f*** that, you're simply known as ALPHA. The pleb-scum who lick your toilet seat after you've used it daren't refer to you by name at all, lest you stare into their soul and cause a blue screen of death. You cannot succeed more by owning one of these cars. Literally some people will make envious remarks.

 

Ford Mondeo

Nobody dare question your ability to spot mediocrity standing waist deep in grey mist. It's obvious that you suffer from Goldilock's Syndrome; everything in your life need only be just right for everything to be hunky-f***ing-dory. You greatly annoy people who want to suggest many more interesting alternatives that are slightly better in some areas but worse in others. How dare you want something that just works forever for minimal cost...HAVE AN ALFA ROMEO YOU c*nt!

 

Renault Clio

You spend a lot of your life aspiring to own this certain car. You choose a screen name in tribute to them. You idolise them, post many photos of them, spend a lot of time doing countless insurance quotes to find the right balance between engine-size and arsehole-size. You bore many, many people with stories about them.

 

Then you buy a Renault Clio.

 

Mini

Certain people envy your practical, reliable, non-rusty, tip-top example of quality British engineering.

 

Then they buy a Renault Clio.

 

Subaru Impreza

You believe you've reached the pinnacle in every possible area of car performance. People accuse you of being delusional. "No, the car doesn't gain 50bhp every time it changes owners!" "No, the blue paint and gold wheels combination DOES look boring and s*it after a while." "No, mudflaps don't immediately conjure up images in people's heads of your car negotiating the forests in Finland." Ignore these people. They may see you negotiating the carpark in Poundland, as you desperately struggle to feed your wife and children whilst paying £400 a month for your blue burbling failchariot, but what they don't know is that you have motoring perfection.

 

Peugeot 205

You are greatly puzzled when you are placed amongst other wobbly 1980s hatchbacks on a trackday, when clearly your car's performance warrants being in amongst the 911s, Lamborghinis and turbo-nutter-bastard-kit cars.

 

Toyota Supra

You are the sort of person who can grow to be as fit, powerful and athletic as they want. They'll only ever be able to do 50 chin ups, though.

 

Also, myths have it that some owners are left handed. No, really.

 

Mitsubishi Eclipse

You love not helping to build things. You stood by and gleefully didn't assist the workmen building your house. Your room was painted by anyone but you. You happily went out and didn't buy this car, or modify it, or test drive it.

 

Oh wait, you said that you did. On the Internet. My mistake.

 

(Diesel) Peugeot 306

You are smug in the knowledge that your car is the perfect solution to anyone who wants to buy a small or large hatchback or estate, or 4x4, diesel, petrol, supercharged, tracktoy or a motorway mile-muncher or an B-road blaster, or to carry sixteen pianos to the top of Kilimanjaro in reverse.

 

(Diesel) Renault Espace

Clearly you've found the fastest way of transporting 7 people from one end of the country to the other. China should stop f***ing about with their Maglev s*it and funnel all their money into wobbly surrender-wagons.

 

Peugeot 206

Your ego and temper are fragile, wobbly and prone to having HURT FEELINGS.

 

VW Eos

You bat for the other side. In every way.

 

Audi Quattro S2

You're confused. You don't know who you are or where you live. You know that you may be some kind of c*nt. Importantly, you've done a s*itload of research which enables you to describe your personality, the roads where you live, the features of the town, in great detail. In fact, your research extends to that of all towns and roads. You sound very knowledgable, and people take what you say for gospel. Then you talk about your car and boy does it all go to s*it.

 

Audi Coupe

You're suffering severe brain-damaging synaptic dysfunction that renders you colour-blind. You go through seven stages of reaction: Denial, denial, denial, self-deprecating, denial, "f*** this", and "f*** you I don't have it any more".

 

Mazda MX3

Clearly you are the most intelligent person on the whole Internet for choosing this particular car. Only until you find another "particular" car, you understand.

 

Mondeo ST220

f*** off, these don't exist. If they did, surely I'd have seen one for sale.

 

Daimler V12

You are an out-of-work lay-about-ish who has the work-ethic of a stoned sloth with crippling arthritis, and are scared of people and the outdoors. To reflect this, you think about purchasing a cheap reliable car that won't cost you or require much hard-graft.

 

Then you smoke some s*it and buy a Daimler.

 

Audi S6 Avant

You have been taking steriods for 15 years that solely focus on your upper body strength. Your muscles are soon so enormous that you walk around with your elbows stuck out like a cockney. You could bench press a titanium elephant with your little finger. Unfortunately your shoulders remain unchanged and anyway you're rather frightened of what you might do so maybe you'll buy something useable instead?

 

Any Rover

You are an optimistic sort of chap. Even if you got your kneecaps blown off, then were shat on by a laxative-fed hippo for 20 minutes as you swam mouth-open through an ocean of TCP, you would still find joy and rapture in the event of your car starting first turn of the key and transporting you several miles to another location.

 

Anything with a Playboy sticker on it

You are clearly a girl of some description. We don't get many of those on this here Internet. The only thing we can deduce as we huddle together, squinting at you from a way off, is that having sex with you must be like flicking rice into outer-space.

 

A motorbike

Free organs. One stupid owner.

 

A bicycle

You desperately wish you were an out-of-work musician with a bland German repmobile of some description.

 

Some kind of Mazdord Mondemex-5 hybrid

Internet over.

 

 

Wow, you really don't have a life. *feels better*

[Masekwm 2]

Stereotype

 

"Barryboys is just full of middle aged men who don't know anything about cars that live with their mums and drive Mondeos"

[one-lady-owner 1]

Any Rover

You are an optimistic sort of chap. Even if you got your kneecaps blown off, then were shat on by a laxative-fed hippo for 20 minutes as you swam mouth-open through an ocean of TCP, you would still find joy and rapture in the event of your car starting first turn of the key and transporting you several miles to another location.

 

 

This really did make me chuckle!